It's been way to long since I've posted. I need to change that. My boyfriend and I had broken up....not cause he's a bad guy. The complete opposite. But I watched my cousin go through stuff and it made me think. And I was scared, I didn't know if we were after the same thing in life. But I think I'm falling in love with him?
He cares. Which is something hard to find. I read every day about CFers who can't find a guy that won't run off on them at the first mention of a "disease". Then I find him. No, we haven't met...but still. He's amazing. He's always concerned. He understands me. We just get along so well. I talk to him for hours and he makes me laugh the whole time. When I'm upset, he calms me down so much. I swear he's saved a few doctors from a screaming match from me. I really want to get back together with him...we're taking it slow. And if you know me, that's extremely difficult for me. I don't like "slow".
But I'm just scared, ya know? I found out the bug that keeps getting me sick is gram negative. and that is EVERYTHING we know. Which means, nothing. It's such a large spectrum.
You know the rainbow? How it's one thing? But has many colours in it? Yeah, like that. Gram negative is a large spectrum like the rainbow....we just don't know what colour the bacteria is. But right now, it's not looking so good....and I'm really worried. All I ever wanted was to fall in love, get married, have kids, be a mom, and a wife. But I know CFers have problems having kids once their lung function hits a certain number. And then you have to wait for it to decline enough to get a transplant...which could be years until that happens. And I don't want to wait years and years....I mean that could be ten years! And that's not what I want. Life wasn't too bad, then kablamshit, something like this happens. I realized for the first time the other day I might die. And it scares me. A lot.
I haven't been this scared since my mom was crying outside my hospital room, thinking it was the end two years ago.